My Healing Process

It feels like forever since I post something on this blog lol xD
   Really,like forever already...
Well,Since it's almost the end of the year, I'll write every little things that happened to me this year~ summarized of course :D

This year alone,there's a lot of things that affected me. Whether it's emotional or physically. I thought this year is a bad year for me since this is  a year where all the bad things happened. 
     I was depressed.Like,seriously depressed and I did self-harm to cope with all those emotional turmoil. I hate it when people think self-harm is a stupid thing to do. Every people has their own ways to cope with sadness,don't judge because we didn't have right to do that.

    My condition wasn't that severe since I only have like 5 cuts only.I was lucky when I found out about The Butterfly Project and of course, I drew some butterflies whenever I feeling like cutting.Until now, I still didn't put any name for those butterflies.I don't really have someone that I trust with all my heart.I'm afraid...

  If I tell someone about my problems, they'll judge and they'll hate me.I'm afraid there's no one will accept me just the way I am. But then again, I was so stressed and I really need someone to confide in.I really wanted someone who would listen to my problems, the reason why I cut,why I was depressed without judging me and accept me sincerely. 

        One day, I wrote an essay (it was my English homework) and I put some hints in it. In my class,I can say I'm the one who always get the highest marks in English. That day my English teacher made copies of my essay and gave them to all my classmates. The hints that I put were 'relishes pain','self-harm'. Well, it was a scene (in the essay) when 'I' was watching a drama about a boy who did self-harm to cope with his depression.

   No one really cares though..Even when the teacher read the essay out loud.The first person who knew about me was my friend who I often call her 'shorty'. She really didn't believe it until I showed her the scars. The second person was the girl who likes me.Well, I don't know whether she's a homo or it was just 'like'. Surprisingly, they're the ones who always there for me and their thoughts weren't like what I used to think. Not to forget, the boy who confessed to me about his problems.

    He was almost the same as me..We're pretty similar. I ended up telling him about me too and we're growing closer by now =)

After all those bad things, the good things then approached me.

8A PMR

I was so surprised when I got to know the result since I didn't expect it at all..
It was like a dream,really..

   Getting 8A's in PMR was like a way of God telling me that I am not worthless like I always thought. I definitely have nothing to be proud of. I don't have the look nor a behavior that everyone likes. My siblings are way more good looking than me and of course, they got many fans too. In my family,I'm the only one who considered as a fat girl and that how much I dislike myself this way.

  When I was little, I was so pretty and cute. But, when I'm growing up, people starting to call me 'fat' and anything that resembles it. I thought I'm gonna be okay..but when I'm growing older, it made me lost confidence about myself.Whenever I like someone, I would just end up in disappointment because I thought, those people that I like won't ever notice me and if they did,I bet they'll think I'm a sort of ugly girl or fat.

   And my family wasn't a help either. They made me felt worse. I once fell into eating disorder but gratefully, it didn't last long. But, my family members never know what I've been through. They didn't know about me depressed and self-harming. 

But, I tried to get off all those negative thoughts out of my mind. No, I always did..I tried,at least. It did work out. I wrote down my feelings and formed a good story~
  I often listen to INFINITE and Nell's songs...because they calmed me =)

My healing song is "Separation Anxiety" by Nell. I really like the lyrics, it as if they're singing about me..

"It's quite hard being me 
I've just become broken I know
But if you didn't just give up on me, that'd be nice
If I could only get fixed
I'd actually be quite beautiful 
And so I wish you wouldn't just leave me to myself"