Saturday, November 2, 2013
Moving On
Sometimes we gotta move on , even though it hurts. I, myself gotta do the same. The person I love fell out of love with me and without any reason,he abandoned me. He told me to move on. But I know, when I turned to him back then, it was too late. I've already broke his heart and now he broke mine. He started over, exclude me in his life . Now I'm still struggling to forget .
Wednesday, December 26, 2012
My Healing Process
It feels like forever since I post something on this blog lol xD
Really,like forever already...
Well,Since it's almost the end of the year, I'll write every little things that happened to me this year~ summarized of course :D
This year alone,there's a lot of things that affected me. Whether it's emotional or physically. I thought this year is a bad year for me since this is a year where all the bad things happened.
I was depressed.Like,seriously depressed and I did self-harm to cope with all those emotional turmoil. I hate it when people think self-harm is a stupid thing to do. Every people has their own ways to cope with sadness,don't judge because we didn't have right to do that.
My condition wasn't that severe since I only have like 5 cuts only.I was lucky when I found out about The Butterfly Project and of course, I drew some butterflies whenever I feeling like cutting.Until now, I still didn't put any name for those butterflies.I don't really have someone that I trust with all my heart.I'm afraid...
If I tell someone about my problems, they'll judge and they'll hate me.I'm afraid there's no one will accept me just the way I am. But then again, I was so stressed and I really need someone to confide in.I really wanted someone who would listen to my problems, the reason why I cut,why I was depressed without judging me and accept me sincerely.
One day, I wrote an essay (it was my English homework) and I put some hints in it. In my class,I can say I'm the one who always get the highest marks in English. That day my English teacher made copies of my essay and gave them to all my classmates. The hints that I put were 'relishes pain','self-harm'. Well, it was a scene (in the essay) when 'I' was watching a drama about a boy who did self-harm to cope with his depression.
No one really cares though..Even when the teacher read the essay out loud.The first person who knew about me was my friend who I often call her 'shorty'. She really didn't believe it until I showed her the scars. The second person was the girl who likes me.Well, I don't know whether she's a homo or it was just 'like'. Surprisingly, they're the ones who always there for me and their thoughts weren't like what I used to think. Not to forget, the boy who confessed to me about his problems.
He was almost the same as me..We're pretty similar. I ended up telling him about me too and we're growing closer by now =)
After all those bad things, the good things then approached me.
8A PMR
I was so surprised when I got to know the result since I didn't expect it at all..
It was like a dream,really..
Getting 8A's in PMR was like a way of God telling me that I am not worthless like I always thought. I definitely have nothing to be proud of. I don't have the look nor a behavior that everyone likes. My siblings are way more good looking than me and of course, they got many fans too. In my family,I'm the only one who considered as a fat girl and that how much I dislike myself this way.
When I was little, I was so pretty and cute. But, when I'm growing up, people starting to call me 'fat' and anything that resembles it. I thought I'm gonna be okay..but when I'm growing older, it made me lost confidence about myself.Whenever I like someone, I would just end up in disappointment because I thought, those people that I like won't ever notice me and if they did,I bet they'll think I'm a sort of ugly girl or fat.
And my family wasn't a help either. They made me felt worse. I once fell into eating disorder but gratefully, it didn't last long. But, my family members never know what I've been through. They didn't know about me depressed and self-harming.
But, I tried to get off all those negative thoughts out of my mind. No, I always did..I tried,at least. It did work out. I wrote down my feelings and formed a good story~
I often listen to INFINITE and Nell's songs...because they calmed me =)
My healing song is "Separation Anxiety" by Nell. I really like the lyrics, it as if they're singing about me..
"It's quite hard being me
I've just become broken I know
But if you didn't just give up on me, that'd be nice
If I could only get fixed
I'd actually be quite beautiful
And so I wish you wouldn't just leave me to myself"
Really,like forever already...
Well,Since it's almost the end of the year, I'll write every little things that happened to me this year~ summarized of course :D
This year alone,there's a lot of things that affected me. Whether it's emotional or physically. I thought this year is a bad year for me since this is a year where all the bad things happened.
I was depressed.Like,seriously depressed and I did self-harm to cope with all those emotional turmoil. I hate it when people think self-harm is a stupid thing to do. Every people has their own ways to cope with sadness,don't judge because we didn't have right to do that.
My condition wasn't that severe since I only have like 5 cuts only.I was lucky when I found out about The Butterfly Project and of course, I drew some butterflies whenever I feeling like cutting.Until now, I still didn't put any name for those butterflies.I don't really have someone that I trust with all my heart.I'm afraid...
If I tell someone about my problems, they'll judge and they'll hate me.I'm afraid there's no one will accept me just the way I am. But then again, I was so stressed and I really need someone to confide in.I really wanted someone who would listen to my problems, the reason why I cut,why I was depressed without judging me and accept me sincerely.
One day, I wrote an essay (it was my English homework) and I put some hints in it. In my class,I can say I'm the one who always get the highest marks in English. That day my English teacher made copies of my essay and gave them to all my classmates. The hints that I put were 'relishes pain','self-harm'. Well, it was a scene (in the essay) when 'I' was watching a drama about a boy who did self-harm to cope with his depression.
No one really cares though..Even when the teacher read the essay out loud.The first person who knew about me was my friend who I often call her 'shorty'. She really didn't believe it until I showed her the scars. The second person was the girl who likes me.Well, I don't know whether she's a homo or it was just 'like'. Surprisingly, they're the ones who always there for me and their thoughts weren't like what I used to think. Not to forget, the boy who confessed to me about his problems.
He was almost the same as me..We're pretty similar. I ended up telling him about me too and we're growing closer by now =)
After all those bad things, the good things then approached me.
8A PMR
I was so surprised when I got to know the result since I didn't expect it at all..
It was like a dream,really..
Getting 8A's in PMR was like a way of God telling me that I am not worthless like I always thought. I definitely have nothing to be proud of. I don't have the look nor a behavior that everyone likes. My siblings are way more good looking than me and of course, they got many fans too. In my family,I'm the only one who considered as a fat girl and that how much I dislike myself this way.
When I was little, I was so pretty and cute. But, when I'm growing up, people starting to call me 'fat' and anything that resembles it. I thought I'm gonna be okay..but when I'm growing older, it made me lost confidence about myself.Whenever I like someone, I would just end up in disappointment because I thought, those people that I like won't ever notice me and if they did,I bet they'll think I'm a sort of ugly girl or fat.
And my family wasn't a help either. They made me felt worse. I once fell into eating disorder but gratefully, it didn't last long. But, my family members never know what I've been through. They didn't know about me depressed and self-harming.
But, I tried to get off all those negative thoughts out of my mind. No, I always did..I tried,at least. It did work out. I wrote down my feelings and formed a good story~
I often listen to INFINITE and Nell's songs...because they calmed me =)
My healing song is "Separation Anxiety" by Nell. I really like the lyrics, it as if they're singing about me..
"It's quite hard being me
I've just become broken I know
But if you didn't just give up on me, that'd be nice
If I could only get fixed
I'd actually be quite beautiful
And so I wish you wouldn't just leave me to myself"
Thursday, March 15, 2012
Even If You Didn't Know Teaser/Preview 2
"Are you okay?? I-I'm sorry...I didn't mean to-" "No,it's okay..I'm fine, don't worry"..
I said to a figure,while picking up the fallen books. I didn't bother to look at him,because I don't care, of course. Then, he squatted beside me and he pick up the books eagerly. Then, I lift up my face and look at him, instinctually, as my conscience told me to do so.
I feel a sudden ache in my heart. 'I'm a bad person',a word suddenly appears in my mind. 'I'm a cruel person', 'I'm a fool' ,those words keep hitting my heart, like a bullet that shoots my hollow heart,deeply. A memory suddenly playing in his mind..
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A moment when I read a letter that makes me take a feeling that I afraid of;regret, wherever I go. Even I try to let go of the emotion, it wouldn't leave me alone, and even if it does, I couldn't help but feel empty again; that's how it eats me,slowly but the pain was unbearable.
------So,what's the content of the letter? We'll find out soon--------
I said to a figure,while picking up the fallen books. I didn't bother to look at him,because I don't care, of course. Then, he squatted beside me and he pick up the books eagerly. Then, I lift up my face and look at him, instinctually, as my conscience told me to do so.
I feel a sudden ache in my heart. 'I'm a bad person',a word suddenly appears in my mind. 'I'm a cruel person', 'I'm a fool' ,those words keep hitting my heart, like a bullet that shoots my hollow heart,deeply. A memory suddenly playing in his mind..
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A moment when I read a letter that makes me take a feeling that I afraid of;regret, wherever I go. Even I try to let go of the emotion, it wouldn't leave me alone, and even if it does, I couldn't help but feel empty again; that's how it eats me,slowly but the pain was unbearable.
------So,what's the content of the letter? We'll find out soon--------
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
Chapter:1-Mr Lonely (Forever And Always)
I'm still waiting for the day when my tears can freely fall, when my chest aches from all the shit I've been though, when I don't have to feel as though I'm nothing at all. I'm sick of feeling invisible, I just want to be found. Is it that hard?
full cr: seonqyeols
full cr: seonqyeols
Sunday, February 19, 2012
Forever And Always: by Seonqyeols
"Bye!" I shout over at him. Wow, Sungyeol, this is your 37th attempt at talking to him, and 37th failure.
Forever And Always
Today is 13 March 2011, it's Kim Myungsoo's birthday. Can't he at least smile on his birthday? Stupid little jerk.
I study him instead of looking at the work on my desk: he's sweeping his bangs off his eyes, lips making subtle movement as if he's talking to himself. I wonder just how can somebody pull off being cold and distant all the time.
A voice in my head nags at me: the quietest people have the loudest minds. So does Myungsoo think alot, but he just doesn't know how to express his thoughts? Or is he just doing this on purpose to get everybody's attention?
"Forever And Always", by seonqyeols
"Forever And Always", by seonqyeols
Like A Guardian Angel
Sungyeol hesitated, afraid to make Myungsoo angry again. "Why is your heart hurting?"
"Mm...nah, I was just thinking about something when suddenly... it started to hurt." I was thinking, what if we would go our different ways one day and leave each other. I would miss you. That was he really wanted to say.
"Like A Guardian Angel", by Infnt7Inspirit
"Mm...nah, I was just thinking about something when suddenly... it started to hurt." I was thinking, what if we would go our different ways one day and leave each other. I would miss you. That was he really wanted to say.
"Like A Guardian Angel", by Infnt7Inspirit
Life As A RP XDDDD
hahahahahaXDD
lol~
I dunno why..but I think its funny~ last month, there's this Kim Myungsoo asked me.."be mine?"
but I didn't accept it right away lol~
Few weeks later, he sent me the r/s request.. somehow, I accepted it =D
then, last week, he deact. Then..today, a Lee Sungyeol asked me the same thing...
should I accept it? If I do, I would count as cheating, right? >< lol~
but.. I never serious to this kind of relationship.. but~ agh~~~ TT3TT
lol~
I dunno why..but I think its funny~ last month, there's this Kim Myungsoo asked me.."be mine?"
but I didn't accept it right away lol~
Few weeks later, he sent me the r/s request.. somehow, I accepted it =D
then, last week, he deact. Then..today, a Lee Sungyeol asked me the same thing...
should I accept it? If I do, I would count as cheating, right? >< lol~
but.. I never serious to this kind of relationship.. but~ agh~~~ TT3TT
Even If You Din't Know -- Teaser 1
'I speed up my pace, and run all my heart, as if I could forget him, as if the pain would faded away. Without noticing, tears filling up my eyes. Should I forget him? Am I able to leave him? I began to sob harder as I thinking about him. He's in the hospital now, which mean, I'm a cruel person if I leave him now.
But, I couldn't stand this. This feeling keeps growing deeper. I.. just don't want to ruin our friendship. The doctor said, he might lost all of his memories. My heart's ache at the moment when he utter those words. He gonna forget about me too? But, it's an opportunity to drag myself off from his life, right?
Maybe everything is going to be better if I'm not there, not around him, not beside him.'
Here I am right now, years had pass. I don't even believe that I leave him. I moved to other school. I told his mother to never mention me when he woke up. It's dumb, right? I leave him, a fact that I couldn't even believe.
I need him, I always do. I love him,always and forever. Because of that, I have to leave him, I don't want him to get hurt or disappoint of me.
But, I couldn't stand this. This feeling keeps growing deeper. I.. just don't want to ruin our friendship. The doctor said, he might lost all of his memories. My heart's ache at the moment when he utter those words. He gonna forget about me too? But, it's an opportunity to drag myself off from his life, right?
Maybe everything is going to be better if I'm not there, not around him, not beside him.'
Here I am right now, years had pass. I don't even believe that I leave him. I moved to other school. I told his mother to never mention me when he woke up. It's dumb, right? I leave him, a fact that I couldn't even believe.
I need him, I always do. I love him,always and forever. Because of that, I have to leave him, I don't want him to get hurt or disappoint of me.
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